Feb
16
Chapter 1: Finding a Crappy Job
Chapter 1. Finding a Crappy Job
Now that you are in a band there is going to be no point or time for a “proper job”. This means that you will probably have to resort to temping. So, throw away that university degree certificate and start the search for a “crappy job”.
Don’t worry there are tones of employment agencies out there that are just waiting to send you off to spend day after day staring into space. Agency workers are exceptionally skilled at getting the laziest bum of a person to go to work even when you are hung-over, tired and depressed. They do this by adopting an unconventionally high and enthusiastic voice. You may wish to hold the telephone approximately 5 inches from your earlobe to prevent hearing damage.[1] They also use the element of surprise to catch you off guard. Typically their phone number will show up as “withheld” or “unknown”. You will think “oh I wonder who this could be” and then before you can turn back the high pitched “helloooo!” comes blasting into your recently asleep brain. In the panic that follows you say “yes I can get there in half an hour, no problem”. Agency staff are also incredibly determined. One day I tried to ignore the agency. I had 24 missed calls, all from the agency; each message became increasingly frantic and high pitched. They are like an omnipresent force, hovering over you, waiting for the next time you have a spare second, ready to suck up your time like a giant overexcited sponge.The agency might also say something like “they are looking for someone who is really switched on”. You will then spend the next 2 weeks opening and closing a door using a button, or sitting alone at a desk waiting for a phone to ring. When the phone finally rings, you will more that likely get so overcome with excitement that you accidently cut the person off “hello?, hello?, hello? You will say for a few minutes before saying “oh they’ve gone”, this will begin the stage I have christened The Talking to Yourself Phase. After a few hours at a reception desk the reality of situation hits you and you will become lost in a fog of boredom. You may even start googling your own name. Suddenly doing even the simplest tasks will require exceptional amounts of effort, and talking to yourself will be an important tool in getting yourself to do anything. “oh deary, where did I put that file?” or “why the *!#! won’t this *!*#ing piece of *~*! Work?” This is because after around 3 hours of sitting on a chair doing nothing BWSS sets in (Butt Welded to the Seat Syndrome). This condition is untreatable but the symptoms can be diminished by drinking high quantities of caffeine. As time goes on you may find more creative ways to pass the time, such as writing a guide to Making it in a band in London, or creating rubber band people, (see Example A below)
[1] Note: To make matters worse, despite your best efforts, your voice will be in complete contrast - exceptionally low and grumbly having woken up seconds before – imagine a hyperactive mouse having a conversation with a very old toad.
